A Year Later--Part 2

As many of you will remember, a year ago this week I was at the Oregon Coast at the courtesy of some friends, working on my doctoral dissertation. I actually had a great week of writing, but felt the whole time like I was battling the flu. At least this is what I told myself. Looking back I realize I wasn't being completely honest with myself, and as a result, with others.

I told myself I had the flu because I had never had anything worse than the flu before, so how could I now? I told myself I had the flu because I didn't want to think about having anything worse than the flu. I told myself I had the flu so that I could just go on with life. I told myself I had the flu because it was convenient. I told myself I had the flu because I'm skilled at self-deception.

If I had been honest with myself, I would have admitted that what I was experiencing were not your run-of-the-mill flu-like symptoms. I had a rash--this had never accompanied any flu I had before. My arms were swelling and growing weaker by the day. Tasks such as teeth brushing became a major effort. It was all I could do to carry my laptop across the room. The box of books I had easily carried in on Sunday night was an impossibility to lift by Friday. Weak and swollen arms don't usually lead the flu symptom list. Meanwhile, from the neck up I felt fine--no congestion, foggy head, cough or anything of the sort. My thinking was very clear, so clear I wrote for at least 14 hours a day and got a ton of work done. Other than a couple short walks, I never left the house once. I was on a roll, happily writing away.

When Saturday came, it was time to head home. Only one problem: I didn't think I could drive, especially because our car has a manual transmission. I called Joanna and we talked it over. It was decided that she and Drew would come and get me. This turned out to be a very good decision. I was far safer in their hands than my own…in more ways than one. Certainly it was better to have Joanna driving than me.

Yet, another level of "safety" came just by her being there. You see, I suddenly couldn't pretend that all I had was the flu. It didn't take her much more than one look at me to reach her conclusion that more was going on than I had admitted. The whole week I hadn't talked face-to-face with another person, only by phone, text and email. (I can become quite a recluse during my study weeks. I didn't go out for a meal or into town for any reason.) In my isolation, I spent the week thinking what I wanted and telling people what I wanted without really being accountable. Such is the luxury--and danger--of isolation. Ninety seconds with my wife and my self-deception was exposed.

Now I hasten to say that in this particular instance, I don't think that my medical outcome would have been any different had I owned up quicker and gone to the doctor a few days earlier. The next 2 months of medicine were full of uncertainty on the part of many of the region's finest doctors. I'm not second guessing my behavior from a health standpoint. My concern is actually deeper.

I, along with the rest of the population of planet earth, am prone to self-deception. Telling myself the truth about myself does not come naturally. It is a learned--Spirit taught--behavior. It is one of the first and greatest lessons of my past year. I haven't perfected the art of being completely honest with myself and others, but I have come a long way.

In the past, I excused some of my self-deceived thinking by reassuring myself that I was just "looking on the bright side." There was some validity to this at times, but often rather than "looking on the bright side," I was actually shading the truth. Like a tricky card dealer who knows what card he has buried at the bottom of the pile, I could easily "bury" things I didn't want others to know…or to think about myself. I could give you a politically correct answer and feel pretty good about it, but sufficiently cloud the story so that the raw truth was protected. Usually the primary one was I was protecting was myself. On a few, rare occasions I used this behavior in my pastoral ministry. On a fairly regular basis I used it in our marriage. I see it now and am not proud of it.

I've come to value honesty like never before--in others and myself. I'm tired of being a leader and husband who always has to put a shine on a subject to make myself look good. This was one of the blessings of my near-death experience and painful recovery. I didn't have the energy nor the will to play games.

I know there is a place for being careful about what we say. I'm not advocating unrestrained spewing in the name of "just being honest." But this place of carefulness must not be a place of hiding, self-protection or deception. I'm working on and making progress in being straightforward in my speech. Join me as I seek to join James who admonished us, "Let your 'Yes' be yes, and your 'No,' no" (5:12).

(Note: For a brief Bible study on the subject of self-deception, see I Corinthians 3:18-20, Galatians 6:3-5, James 1:22-27 and I John 1:8-10. Three New Testament authors view self-deception as a real issue and concern.)

Walking This Journey With You,
John

PS I go into Salem Hospital this afternoon for the Modified Barium Swallow--the test to see how my swallow function is developing. I'll try to let you know the results in a few days. Thanks for your prayers.